A Wedding Registry OR Why Kristin and Nicole Can Never Marry Even Though It Would Be Legal In Their States

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Nicole: This is as good a place to start as any.
Kristin: Ooh, good point.
Nicole: I'm looking for an unnecessary piece of technology that will look ugly mounted on my wall but tell people at the same time that I am incapable of writing a shopping list, and something that will not include my specialized health food items.


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Nicole: Also I don't want to have to breathe in dirty air when I go shopping. Thanks.
Kristin: I know you thought you were marrying me for my cooking skills but it's time to come clean. I can't even cook an egg. But luckily, we can just buy this:

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Nicole: I need this, to go with the expensive watches I wish I could afford:





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Nicole: For the days when our servants are off, I suppose I can cart myself around.



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Kristin: Nicole, I know I could get this whisk for $5:
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Kristin: but it's simply not a $20 Williams and Sonoma whisk:

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Kristin: The price of my whisk is important to me. It's how you know you're successful!
Nicole: I know I'm successful when I don't have to hold my own beer, and I can do it in style.
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Nicole: I SAW THIS INFOMERCIAL LAST NIGHT AND I MUST HAVE ONE.



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Kristin: A $250 utensil for a $12 meal:

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Kristin: I need this. I have no idea what it is, but I don't care. It's $ 800 and I want it:

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Nicole: Just because you saw something on the Iron Chef doesn't mean you should try to do it.
Kristin: MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT WHEN I'M MARRIED. I WILL SUDDENLY BE ABLE TO COOK FANCY THINGS AND ENTERTAIN MY FRIENDS EVERY SINGLE DAY.



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Kristin: We need this for the 3 Christmases we spend together before we decided to get divorced because I hate you.
Nicole: It seems at this rate we'll get there in half the time.
Nicole: May as well treat yourself to these:
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Kristin: Well you can go ahead and treat yourself to this because I am going to hit you over the head with it:


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Kristin: Also, let's get this. But we can *only* use it to grind nutmeg. No other spices, ok?


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Kristin: We can have nutmeg in EVERYTHING! Then we can finally be happy.
Nicole: I don't golf,

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Nicole: but I think this will be the right size to fit your body in when I find out you've been cheating with the pool boy
Kristin: : ( You know me so well.

Your Sunglasses are Ugly

Sorry for the extended hiatus, life seems to get in the way.
But we're back, in time for the sunny weather!

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Nicole: Look, they circled the logo multiple times to make sure you don't miss it.

Kristin: Paris Hilton would wear something like that

Kristin: Don't you think?

Nicole: I don't think those are hot enough for her

Kristin: I don't know. They're pretty hot.

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Nicole: Life just wouldn't be complete without my Ed Hardy sunglasses.

Kristin: Perfect to accompany you on any daytime date rape at the Jersey Shore.

Nicole: And look, they've got a Swarovski crysyal mermaid, so i can be classy.

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Kristin: These are $4.95, but I feel like they should be free from the DJ while he plays Hot Hot Hot.

Nicole: And puts a plastic lei around your neck.

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Nicole: There is no way these arms can keep these frames on your face.

Kristin: What shape ears do you need to wear those?

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Kristin: I bought you these so you can be like your hero, Kanye.

Kristin: I always wonder how people wear those without walking into stuff. I mean, your vision is half blocked

Nicole: They're for peeping toms who venture into public.

Kristin: Maybe that's why Kayne is so mad. He can't see anything

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Nicole: All they need is for someone to paint "STOP" in the lenses, so you know to avoid anyone wearing them.

Kristin: I feel like they belong to some 58 year old movie producer who tries to sleep with 19-year-old blondes with fake tits.

Kristin: Picture it.

Nicole: With a combover and a bad tan.

Kristin: And a hot tub.

Nicole: And sandals with a suit.

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Nicole: I thought the other ed hardy glasses were ugly...

Kristin: Oh! Ed Hardy's new "Uglier" line.

Kristin: I can't wait for the 2011 Winter Ugliest line.

Nicole: Well, you do need to wear something while you sit in the ski lodge staying warm.

Kristin: You mean these.

Your Ed Hardy Stuff is Ugly.

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Gina: No idea.
Kazh: Well, I have epilepsy now, I hope you're happy.
Kazh: $44? Srsly? Unless it comes with a flux capacitor...
Kristin: I want a flux capacitor


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Kazh: I DO NOT like the way that tiger is eyeballing that kid's junk.
Nicole: He looks ready to attack.
Gina: Haha ew. I cant get past the junk comment.
Kazh: I'm adding "tiger attack" to my list of "Things I Never Want to Happen to my Junk".


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Nicole: Peach and Citrus I can understand. Pine, Lemon, okay.
Nicole: What I want to know is, what do Star Mood, Apple Vif, and Sport smell like?
Nicole: and what IS a vif?
Gina: Do they smell like guido?




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Kristin: What? No. We don't need to encourage douchebags to drink more.
Nicole: Mmm, infused with only the best body odor and Axe.
Kristin: Also, hair gel.


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Gina: Is that an energy drink? Is it bad that i thought there might be urine in there when i saw it?
Kristin: Omg, you can mix it with Ed Hardy vodka and make douche juice.



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Kazh: I hope that's not real gold, otherwise those might look quite garish.
Nicole: At least then you could melt them down.



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Kazh: "Frinzy?" Okay now you're just being ridiculous.
Gina: does this mean Ed Hardy killed the Native Americans?



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Nicole: Now you have something to wear to church, finally.
Kazh: Or to Gene Simmons's funeral.

Your Outdoor Holiday Decorations are Ugly

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Kristin: Santa had a midlife crisis, I guess.
Nicole: Well, welcome to the 20th century.


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Nicole: Santa also flies a 5-foot plane
Kristin: It looks like he's just dumping stuff out from his sack over the world. He's going to need a lawyer after he destroys property and injures people with those falling presents, because that's pretty freakin' negligent.

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Nicole: The Christmas goose is supposed to be in the oven, not prancing around on the lawn
Kristin: I like his little capelet.
Kristin: I suspect the whole material on lights thing is a fire hazard though.

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Nicole: Oh good, it's lit too, just in case you couldn't see it from down the street.
Kristin: I wonder how many sorority houses have this one


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Nicole: Looks more like a rocket ship crashed than a menorah.
Kristin: Ok, I can't top that one.
Kristin: I'm not qualified to comment anyway, you're the half Jewish one
Nicole: It's okay, I can
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Kristin: Some 11 year old boy is going to be pissed when he gets a protective cup instead of an Xbox this Christmas
Nicole: Santa's asserting his masculinity, that's all. All that fur had people questioning him.



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Nicole: Well, it's not like you could put a cactus inside your house!
Kristin: Is it standing in for a person because it has a hat? Or is it standing in for a tree because it has lights?



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Nicole: Because I don't think you can get much more Christmas than that.
Kristin: It's kind of post-modern.
Nicole: In a let's-enslave-the-bears-and-light-them-on-fire kind of way?

Your Thanksgiving Decorations are Ugly

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Kazh:"Give thanks, it's almost out of you now"



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Kazh: ...Why is there a penis coming out of its knee?
Sean:I need to go into the useless crap business.
Kazh: "Why give your kids something they'll just throw away? This year, give them a lifetime of nightmares!"
Nicole: The furries need to celebrate the founding of our country in some way, as well.
Kazh: Yiffing isn't enough?



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Kristin: I like how the description touts "High definition image"
Nicole: Like it matters when you get up in the middle of the night to pee.
Sean: It is unfortunately shatterproof
Nicole: Not if I bump into it because their "high definition image" isn't letting through enough light.
Sean: it's also kind of funny to me that we celebrate the wholesale slaughter of a certain species by setting up pictures of them when they were alive



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Kristin: So basically, you put this one once a year? Or do you leave it up all year?
Nicole: If your guests are paying attention to your lightswitch plate covers, then you're doing something wrong.
Sean: or something really, really right
Kazh: "I want to put up Thanksgiving decorations, but all I have is 5 bucks"
Sean: "I want my friends and family to be aware that I know it's thanksgiving, and not much more"
Kazh: I bet you have to be constantly looking for excuses to have the lights turned on and off, just to call attention to it.
Kazh: "Oh dear, I dropped my... glowstick. Hit the lights, sweetheart".


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Nicole: Let's commemorate the day by reminding ourselves of the pumpkins still out on the porch from Halloween
Kristin: It's time to throw that one out. It's moldy.
Kazh: I bet they look less rancid than that thing, eww.
Sean: All the glamour of a wart.
Sean: Or poop.
Kazh: That artist is too unappreciated. He pored over textbooks for MONTHS trying to get the mold to look JUST right.


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Nicole: It's the perfect transition between holidays.
Kazh: He's blushing. Even he knows how awful he looks.
Kristin: He is so angry.
Kazh: $230??? Does he, like, go and get the nuts for you?
Sean: It looks like he's angrily dumping the contents of his barrow
Kazh: It's full of moldy ceramic pumpkins


Nicole: I'm warning you guys about the next one.
Nicole: Because you might not be able to tell what it is.
Nicole: So let me give you a hint.
Nicole: It's a flag.


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Sean: wow.
Sean: it's an indoor flag, too
Kazh: Celebrate with LOW QUALITY Windows 95 style clipart!
Kristin: Do you think it comes on the paper that has the perforated edges with the holes
Nicole: Oh I sure hope so, I miss dot matrix printer noise.
Kazh: it's 3'x5'? Srsly? Do you really need to proclaim your bad taste that... largely?
Kazh: I'd be embarrassed to be using a postage stamp that looked like that
Nicole: maybe it's a way to get your unwanted family members to leave before dessert.
Sean:it's 3' x 5' for indoor use only
Kristin: That's bigger than me!!!
Kazh: Wow, you're shorter than 3'?
Kazh: Filthy Hobbitses!
Sean: You'll have to use it as a carpet
Nicole: And then you can shut off the light using your Thanksgiving switchplate.
Kazh: Maybe they need to mention some alternative uses
Kazh: I mean, it's bigger than Kabbage, right? "Can be used to wrap a body, without wasting a nice tarp"
Sean: transmission leak? no problem!
Kazh: "Large enough to hang yourself with when NO ONE comes over for Thanksgiving!"
Sean:dog sick? we have you covered just in time for thanksgiving.


Nicole: Speaking of dog sick.





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Kazh: Sure, they LOOK cute, but do you know how many wiener dog Indians they've killed?
Kristin: Why is there a jack o'lantern?
Kristin: You can leave it up for 2 months!


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Kazh: Hey, gay guys can celebrate Thanksgiving too.
Kristin: Santa? Is that you?
Nicole: Santa's a bit early.
Kazh: They can give thanks for continued equal- ... well their right to mar- ... Zack Efron?
Kazh: It's not Santa, it's Santa's brother that the family doesn't like to talk about. The one that moved to San Fran with his "roommate" Juan.
Kazh: IT IS GAY have I made that clear enough yet?
Sean: Wait.
Sean: The fairy is gay?
Kazh: *facepalm*


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Sean: Finally, an edible wreath!
Kazh: I love how the product name, the product description, and the manufacturer, are all one word.
Kazh: Nutwreath.
Kazh: Need we say more?
Kristin: That is sure to be devoured by squirrels.
Sean: The pine one I used to have kept my breath fresh, but it was also poisonous.
Kazh: Not to be confused with OTHER nutwreaths, which are significantly smaller, and hang from your belt loop.


Nicole: Okay, this one's also tough.
Nicole: So I'll give you another hint.
Nicole: Hint: It's a poster.


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Kazh: That's the poster John Goodman used to have hanging over his bed when he was a teenager.
Kazh: Farrah WHO?
Kristin: "This is what Thanksgiving dinner is *supposed* to look like. Sorry for the slop I'm feeding you."
Nicole: "No, you're just supposed to lick the poster. That is dinner.
Kristin: OMG
Kristin: Is it scratch and sniff?
Nicole: Yeah, if you like paper.

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Kristin: So we've done
Kristin: Halloween-Thanksgiving
Kristin: Christmas-Thanksgiving
Kristin: Now Easter-Tanksgiving
Kristin: It has Easter colors and looks like an egg!
Kristin: How about we just leave our Thanksgiving decorations up all year!
Sean: We need St. Patrick's day.
Sean: Drunken turkey.
Kazh: I think anthropomorphizing turkeys makes it a little harder for me to devour their flesh, please don't rub it in my face
Kazh: Mexican turkeys for Cinco de Mayo!
Kazh: Senor Gobbles!
Sean: Frosted turkey for anyone's birthday
Kristin: How about some turkey with sparklers sticking out of it for 4th of July.

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Nicole: sparklers, you said?
Kristin: OH see, it does exist.
Kazh: Selling your kid's school crafts projects online is just mean.
Sean: Wow, that thing's not just ugly, it actually looks highly flammable.
Kazh: That is part of its charm. You have it to ooh and aah over while you eat, then you light it up when you want everyone to leave
Nicole: It's like what they'd put on the table at an elementary school "thanksgiving party"
Nicole: Where the kids dress up as pilgrims and indians with vests made out of brown paper bags.
Sean: no, no "harvest celebration"
Kristin: Hand turkeys!
Sean: I want to make a hand turkey
Kazh: I have some construction paper!

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Kristin: Turk-goosen? What?
Kazh:A goose dressing as a Turkey around Thanksgiving time seems like the worst survival instinct ever.
Sean: Well, they're not the brightest
Kazh:Maybe he's, like, the Judas turkey
Kazh: That leads the rest to the slaughter
Kazh: But he's a GOOSE!
Kazh: Devious!



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Kazh:"Perfect for any Fall or Thanksgiving tree!" Who has a Thanksgiving tree? Do they sell those? A FALL tree? SRSLY?
Sean: lol thanksgiving tree
Nicole: I dunno about you, but I love the crisp, colored leaves all over my carpet


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Nicole: They're trapped! Someone get them out of there!
Kazh: Some sick freak locked them up and makes they bake Thanksgiving food for their amusement.
Kristin: This Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I am not imprisoned in a giant pumpkin.
Sean: a giant METAL pumpkin
Sean: I think a regular pumpkin would be ok.
Sean: till you got tired of eating the walls
Nicole: Well, what if they were allergic to pumpkin?
Sean: They probably wouldn't last long.
Sean: They would see a moist, smelly end